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Following the Rules

Is there a science to coming up with new names?

I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some figurehead behind the naming of celebrity’s children. They have consultants for style, why not have somebody do names too? Jay-Z and Beyonce named their baby Blue Ivy, and went ahead and bought the domain name a few months ago, and that got a whole bunch of news sites talking about the need to register domain names for the future. Some laughed it off, but it makes real sense. Our culture has created a need to have a unique identity, and the easiest way to identify a person is by their name, so why not come up with something crazy? Logically, somebody with a new name would stand out and be more memorable than somebody with a common name like Bob or Johnny, right?

A crazy guy

Sir, Ron Smith is here for the interview.

Once again, science proves our assumptions wrong (my assumption was that you were agreeing with me back there). It turns out crazy or misspelled names can actually lead to lower pay and less job offers than normal names. And since, according to that article, poorer single parents are more likely to give their kids misspelled names, the socio economic gap stays wide. But I don’t get it. I mean, weird names are cool. It would be awesome to be named something like Wimbali Chesterfield the Eighth, and you’d think that would make a job candidate more likely to be called in just to figure out what was going on.

What’s caused this rise in crazy names? I think, just like most things, the increase in weird names comes from a need for social acceptance. All of these poor moms and their friends see rich and popular celebrities naming their babies strange things, and they crave the same approval.

A womyn

She named her kid Apple.

Mix in a little bit of not knowing how to spell because of lack of education and a need to revolt, and you have mothers naming their kids weird things like Alpha, Graump and Skrooj.

Soon, it’ll be necessary to be named something unique. Google your name right now and see what comes up. Unless you’ve tried this before or are some minor celebrity, I bet you aren’t even on the first ten pages, and the internet’s only been popular for the last 15 years. Imagine how packed each search for names will be in five or ten. Hopefully that study was misled. If it wasn’t, new employees are going to need to get over the gap by using their names in unique ways.

By showing off what they can do online and using their names instead of hiding behind them, kids with weird names will be able to gain an advantage in the workplace instead of reinforcing the cycle of poverty.

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